return my video game
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
