Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
