His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
