She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i need an iv and a liver transplant
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
