its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
