Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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