he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
