I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You dont lie about slip and slides
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
