chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
