Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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