She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
