I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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