I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
