I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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