I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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