Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize