Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
