Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
