I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
