Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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