Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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