just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
