hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
