You smell like stripper and shame
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
