Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
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