i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
it's like iHOP with fire
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
