I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
