I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
