I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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