it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
