everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
