I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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