I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
