Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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