Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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