We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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