Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I need a beard to bite.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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