im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
