im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
