You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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