i think my tv is drunk
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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