You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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