I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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