where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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