Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
