I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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