So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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