so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
