I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
