Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
me + whiskey = a bad person
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
