Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Randomize
