This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
