It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i drank out of a bidet.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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