I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
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