Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize