Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
