Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
