i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
