Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Randomize
