He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
